I'm a really big fan of the present. The present and I? Yeah, we're totally friends. We go out for coffee and chat about the US presidential elections. We've got a nice thing going.
Unless you're, say, a bigoted white male, the present is always going to win in a what's-more-awesome competition with the past. Most of us are enjoying our civil liberties, giant lattes, and constant Snapchatting.
But the past wins at something huge and REALLY important. Bumper stickers. I say this as somebody who makes modern car decals as part of my business: vintage bumper stickers are AWESOME. There was a time when people were willing to put any old crap on their car. It was epically goofy.
Can you miss an age without actually having, you know, lived in it? If so, I do. I miss a time when you didn't have to be cool or ironic or tongue in cheek... you could just be goofy or romantic or sappy or silly or... whatever, and not worry about being ridiculed. Which is an absurd statement for me to make, considering how much I enjoy making fun of the (many) people I find ridiculous. (Conclusion? I'm a jerk.)
These vintage bumper stickers are the best thing you'll see today. It's a huge shame that we're all too image-consious to put this goofy shit on our cars today. It would make the world a better place. Or at least a more amusing one.
1. Big Mac Attack!
Can you imagine a world in which McDonald's would produce and hand these out, and think people would actually PUT THEM ON THEIR CAR? It's nuts. Everything about this makes me nostalgic for a time that I can't even remember.
2. Tight Buns
Do tight buns drive you nuts? Why not display your preference on your car for everyone to see whenever you drive to the grocery store? Because... tight buns are great. I wish I had a pair.
3. To Err, You Need a Computer
To think of the kind of computer this 1980s bumper sticker is referencing just cracks me up. There's something so innocent about this statement. I just want to hug the person who might have put this on their car and say, "Oh, honey... you don't even know."
4. Disco Sucks
When was the last time you saw a bumper sticker or car decal declaring that something sucks? This is a thing that needs to come back into the mainstream. Except that I worry about seeing my Honda defaced if I slap on a "Bieber sucks" sticker...
5. I Brake for Gnomes
There are lots of reasons to brake. A dog in the street. A stop sign, maybe. And, of course, gnomes. Because who doesn't stop in their tracks at the sight of a really good gnome, and want to tell tell the world about it?
6. Moonshine Kills
The PSA bumper sticker. This used to be a thing! People used to care enough about their cause to put a sticker on their car and warn the world. "World, I've gotta tell you. That moonshine makes you happy in the moment, but you will DIE and be buried in your boots with a really weird flower."
7. Virginity is Curable
This one is just true. Thank goodness.
8. No Teenie Weenies
Probably my favorite of the lot. I can't decide whether or not I want to live in a world where people would put this on their car. Scratch that: I definitely DO want to live in that world. I wonder if this person was ever asked about their strong weenie preferences?
I now need to own and display all of these bumper stickers, and show off my crazy. This whole thing has given me an existential crisis. Yes, I make car decals... but am I making the right ones? Time to get to work on an "I Brake for Novelty Flamingos" decal design.