Gin is one of the best things in the world. It's like delicious drinkable perfume that makes you feel good. But does it make you LOOK good? Eh. Generally no. As with most types of delicious alcoholic goodness, too much gin and you'll start to look like your grandmother's wet loafers. Sad.
We love our gin here at IINKY, and even the merest hint that there might be a brand that's good for you? Or at least makes you LOOK good? Yeah, we're on board. Infused with with they call a "ingestible collagen" and botanicals this anti-ageing gin (Anti-AGin, created by Bompas & Parr and Warner Leisure Hotels) promises to make you look 19 again. Okay, not really. But if I drink enough, can I hope? Or at least feel like I'm doing something good while I do something very, very bad?
I even have the perfect cup to drink my Fountain of Youth and Tonic from.
I'm a really big fan of the present. The present and I? Yeah, we're totally friends. We go out for coffee and chat about the US presidential elections. We've got a nice thing going.
Unless you're, say, a bigoted white male, the present is always going to win in a what's-more-awesome competition with the past. Most of us are enjoying our civil liberties, giant lattes, and constant Snapchatting.
But the past wins at something huge and REALLY important. Bumper stickers. I say this as somebody who makes modern car decals as part of my business: vintage bumper stickers are AWESOME. There was a time when people were willing to put any old crap on their car. It was epically goofy.
Can you miss an age without actually having, you know, lived in it? If so, I do. I miss a time when you didn't have to be cool or ironic or tongue in cheek... you could just be goofy or romantic or sappy or silly or... whatever, and not worry about being ridiculed. Which is an absurd statement for me to make, considering how much I enjoy making fun of the (many) people I find ridiculous. (Conclusion? I'm a jerk.)
These vintage bumper stickers are the best thing you'll see today. It's a huge shame that we're all too image-consious to put this goofy shit on our cars today. It would make the world a better place. Or at least a more amusing one.
1. Big Mac Attack!
Can you imagine a world in which McDonald's would produce and hand these out, and think people would actually PUT THEM ON THEIR CAR? It's nuts. Everything about this makes me nostalgic for a time that I can't even remember.
2. Tight Buns
Do tight buns drive you nuts? Why not display your preference on your car for everyone to see whenever you drive to the grocery store? Because... tight buns are great. I wish I had a pair.
3. To Err, You Need a Computer
To think of the kind of computer this 1980s bumper sticker is referencing just cracks me up. There's something so innocent about this statement. I just want to hug the person who might have put this on their car and say, "Oh, honey... you don't even know."
4. Disco Sucks
When was the last time you saw a bumper sticker or car decal declaring that something sucks? This is a thing that needs to come back into the mainstream. Except that I worry about seeing my Honda defaced if I slap on a "Bieber sucks" sticker...
5. I Brake for Gnomes
There are lots of reasons to brake. A dog in the street. A stop sign, maybe. And, of course, gnomes. Because who doesn't stop in their tracks at the sight of a really good gnome, and want to tell tell the world about it?
6. Moonshine Kills
The PSA bumper sticker. This used to be a thing! People used to care enough about their cause to put a sticker on their car and warn the world. "World, I've gotta tell you. That moonshine makes you happy in the moment, but you will DIE and be buried in your boots with a really weird flower."
7. Virginity is Curable
This one is just true. Thank goodness.
8. No Teenie Weenies
Probably my favorite of the lot. I can't decide whether or not I want to live in a world where people would put this on their car. Scratch that: I definitely DO want to live in that world. I wonder if this person was ever asked about their strong weenie preferences?
I now need to own and display all of these bumper stickers, and show off my crazy. This whole thing has given me an existential crisis. Yes, I make car decals... but am I making the right ones? Time to get to work on an "I Brake for Novelty Flamingos" decal design.
I love the idea of April Fools Day. But I am far too forgetful and lazy to carry off any pranks successfully. You mean it requires planning? I have to get things at the store? And spend time doing stuff? Eh. Maybe next year.
But no. Are you just going to let the opportunity to be a jerk pass you buy every single year?
1. Why Not Just Drip Dry?
If there is a male living in your house, you probably have zip ties lying around. Hide the extra toilet paper, then zip, zip, done. If you're feeling really evil, this is also a good addition:
2. Your Mayonnaise is Watching You
I don't know if this even qualifies as a prank, given that anybody who did this to me would succeed only in filling me with delight.
3. Punishment for Trying to Scam Some Free Cash
This costs a dollar, and takes zero time and planning. Perfect lazy April Fools Day prank. Plus, you know, mean. That's a bonus.
4. Wow, Loser, You Can't Even Use a Mouse?
All you need is a post-it note and a mean sense of humor. Check, and check. Watching to see how long it takes them to figure things out is just a bonus for you.
5. What Do You Mean You're Not Excited???
This one requires minimal planning --you've got to buy this thing-- but makes an ultimate impact. Leave it out for an unsuspecting partner to accidentally "find." Wonderfully mean and easy. Aren't you a jerk?
6. Creepy Crawly T.P.
I think the fact that several of my chosen pranks are toilet-related says something not-so-nice about me. Probably need to do some soul searching. (Eh. Maybe later.)
All you need is a sharpie to illicit an April Fools scream. Job done. Over and out.
Sex is nice. You like it, and you probably want more of it. Almost any place will do in the heat of the moment, but getting creative about location is for suckers. The best place for sex is your soft inviting bed in your quiet and flatteringly lit bedroom. Even if the sheets aren't always clean.
More sex FTW! Some good ways to make that happen are, say, being nice. Bringing your man a giant latte to get through the afternoon. Telling your girl that her new haircut looks really good, and by the way, she's looking almost TOO skinny today, so here's a taco.
Totally hard work, right? And to continue getting the sex part, you'll have to keep doing the work part. Work is ALSO for suckers.
Having a sex-space adorned with subtle (and not so subtle) sexual suggestion will bring in much higher sex-for-effort returns over time. And when used in combination with, say, a bottle of wine and a few compliments, a sexy bedroom wall decal can be totally irresistible to your partner (Or not. I can't guarantee you sex-- that would probably be illegal. You might also be really goofy looking, how should I know?)
7 Wall Decals that Will Get You Super Laid
1. If You Really Love Me You'll Let Me Sleep Wall Decal
Because without rest, who wants sex? I guess this one depends on age. As a thousand-year-old woman with a sleep obsession, I would be majorly seduced by being allowed to sleep.
2. Hello Beautiful, Hello Handsome Wall Decal
Because starting out with a little sweetness is super likely to end in a little sex. Or a lot.
3. I Just Want You to Be Happy (and Preferably Naked)
Your partner's happiness comes first, you swear. Nakedness comes second.
4. Shut Up & Kiss Me Decal
A good one if your partner is constantly yammering on about his or her life, experiences, ideas, and general boringness. A good reminder to shut it and get down to business. Namely, the sex.
5. We Should Probably Cuddle Now
What comes after the sex? Maybe a bit of cuddling. If every time you walk into your room, you're being reminded to get close, you'll be reminded to do the sex. It's hard to be either the big or the little spoon without wanting to hump a little.
6. Sweetness and Devotion
Got a partner who for some reason seems to equate sex with love, loyalty, and devotion? This romantic bedroom wall decal will get 'em hot and ready every time.
7. Maybe Making Out...?
You're a human being (Probably? I don't know your life.) and therefore suseptible to making mistakes. Your partner, too. The best way to smooth them over is to do a lot of making out. Fighting with your partner, then locking yourself in the bathroom for a cry isn't conducive to humping. Disagreeing and making UP with making OUT (see what I did there?) is a lot more fun.
Why not put up all seven of these awesome sexy wall decals? Didn't you know that everyone wants to hump the person with an insane number of goofy decals on the wall? Knowledge is power.
As of this week it is officially autumn, and I am officially STOKED. I moved to the Pacific Northwest for rain and drizzle and dreary and cloud, and this sunny wonderful summer than everyone has been so delighted about has gotten me DOWN. Sunshine = depression.